In my previous post, I spoke about honesty being the main ingredient where my clients can successfully move out of where they don’t want to be anymore, to where they want to be better for themselves now.
So what does honesty in doing self-growth with the Enneagram look like?
Well, since we humans are more predisposed to looking for the negatives in our lives or what is missing in our lives first, let me tell you what I know dishonesty when using the Enneagram looks like.
It is when I am using what I have learned about my basic Enneagram instincts to not only keep me where I am stuck, but also use it to defend my bad behaviour.
This is a phenomenon that I see within every Enneagram community across cultures and countries, but in Singapore, it presents itself very differently.
When I first started teaching the Enneagram, the feedback I get as I begin teaching the Types is that it puts them in a box and they didn’t like to be put in the box, so naturally I went, “Oh okay, then I have to find a way to show them the box of their basic Enneagram types and not stereotype them as they are only that box.”
But what baffled me was that these same people who gave me that feedback, more often than not, at the end of our training sessions, they would say “Hi, I am an Enneagram (put number here), I now understand that I can be (lists all the basic instincts of the type that they have been taught).”
What’s wrong with that, Jarrod? What is baffling about that?
It baffles me because at the beginning of the training course – BEFORE they even learn of their Enneagram Types and what they mean – when I get them to introduce themselves, they will begin with, “Hello, my name is (put whatever name you can think of here) and I am here to learn (whatever they are seeking to learn).”
And at the end of the course, they don’t start their ending reflections with their name anymore, they begin with “Hi, I am an Enneagram (put number here) …”
They just put themselves in the same box they told me they didn’t want to be put in!
And then what’s worst is when they then use that box to defend
(1) not wanting to move out of the stereotypical box of their Enneagram instincts, AND
(2) themselves from behaving badly by hiding behind the said stereotypical Enneagram instincts.
Anyone who learns this and says to another person,
Oh I am an Enneagram (put whatever number here) and I acted that way because I am (list bad behaviour and justification based on strengths, weaknesses and even core motivation).
I am born this way and I cannot change.
I call bullshit.
Don’t use what you have learnt in the Enneagram about yourself to defend your bad behaviour.
Then why don’t you state that clearly in your trainings, Jarrod?
But I do.
I say it in the beginning, definitely in the middle somewhere and sometimes at the end for good measure.
And if people want to be dishonest about themselves by saying that they were born this way and it is because of their Enneagram number, I honestly cannot stop them. You know, free will and all.
But ….
If they become my clients and in the first few sessions, they keep on trying to explain why they didn’t practice the strategy we came out with to help them move forward to their best selves by using their Enneagram number … once I know for sure through my questioning and observing the pattern happening over and over, I tell them to stop it because it doesn’t help them to use their Enneagram number to defend themselves in that way, in fact it is hindering the very progress they say they want.
Being honest when using the Enneagram for self-growth is very much saying,
“I know instinctually that I am this Enneagram type. And I know I intentionally didn’t do the best for myself in this case, and I am choosing not to use my Enneagram instincts to excuse myself from not doing my best for me.”
If you can be honest to say the statement above, you are then giving yourself space to be human.
Because in terms of coaching, therapy and counselling, the only expectation that anyone who is seeking help for themselves in that way, is to know that they will make mistakes and not do their best in some sessions.
And yet if they are honest about failing themselves that way, then they.- with my help as their coach, or with the support of their therapist and counsellor – can pick themselves up and move forward without finding any excuses for why they failed themselves.
It is just part of the process.
And that is what doing the best for yourself looks like.
Because like I always tell myself (and my clients),
It is not how I fall, it is how I pick myself up and move forward that matters.
I get it.
I get that using your basic Enneagram instincts is an easy way to move away from the shame, fear, anger that you have just made a mistake, and from feeling that you may have let yourself (and people) down, but if you are always taking the easy way out for yourself, then why do you want to keep on failing yourself that way?
And if you read this and you know that you do this, and you feel called out.
Good. I am glad you feel that way.
Now what are you going to do about it?
