Having been a mindset coach for almost six years and having been upgrading myself to ask better questions to my clients to facilitate their journey of growth, I realise that asking good questions is not the main pathway to success for clients who are looking for breakthroughs in their personal growth journey.
Honesty on where they are and where they WANT to be is the main ingredient to success.
I can be asking all the right questions.
It can be a ‘right place, right time’ kind of situation where they met me when they were in need of my particular skillsets.
It can also be where they convince themselves that they are sick and tired of where they are, and they want better for themselves.
All of that alone will not be enough without being ready to be honest with the familiarity they are willing to lose when they move towards better for themselves.
What the heck do you mean, Jarrod?
For instance, if I have clients who have not EVER been given permission to ask for things they want and to always think of how their actions impacts the whole family as they were growing up, then the familiar space they are in as adults is that they are ‘okay’ to be overlooked when it comes to their needs or even when people do ask for what they would want, they would be ‘embarrassed’ to ask because ‘they really are okay and don’t need anything.’
So when they come to me and they say they don’t want to be a doormat in all of their relationships – work, friends, romantic, family – and they want to ask for what they want, when I ask them to start by thinking about what their needs are in those relationships and ask for one small thing – a cup of coffee, more affection, less restriction and so on – their faces suddenly change and they go back to what has always been familiar for them when asking for what they need,
‘It’s okay, I don’t feel / think that it is necessary for me to ask for what I want, If they really know me, they will be able to figure it out.’
Mind you, I have heard the above statement from both men and women. This is not biased to any particular gender. Hurt is hurt.
So where does honesty come into the picture then?
It comes when we are ready to confront the false narrative that ‘it is okay to not have my own needs met’ and say to oneself,
‘No. I am worthy and lovable enough to ask for what I need. I am not a burden to others when I do so.’
When we confront that false narrative that ‘I don’t need my needs to be met’ and shatter the illusion that we are burden for even asking (because our parents made us feel that way when we asked for what we wanted growing up), then we can truly name what we want to improve on and that is the first step (of many) to
(1) see that our needs are important,
(2) know that we are worthy and loved in our eyes, even if people around us reject us for having needs because it inconveniences them, and
(3) that people who do love us for who we are, will always listen to what we need and will try to meet those needs as best as they can.
Of course, this is just one example of what I have heard during my client sessions. There are many, many more false narratives we have in our heads and hearts – that were put there by our upbringing, family systems, cultural environment we grew up in and the list goes on.
The main thing I want you to take away here is that if you are ready to get honest with yourself, I can help and support you on that journey towards living your life on your own terms and to your next best self right now.
How the heck do you know this works, Jarrod?
Because I had to get honest with myself first. With everything.
The way I was brought up, the unfair treatment that I received as a child, being told that I was not enough (smart enough, good enough, thin enough, tall enough, kind enough) and that my needs weren’t important.
It is because I chose to be honest about where I am, why I am sick and tired of being stuck in familiar situations that no longer serve me AND really wanting to make a change in my life, that has allowed me to move forward towards building a life on my terms, and towards being my next best self in the season of life I am in right now.
And because of that experience, my questions are more relatable, less avoidable and yet totally answerable on your part when you are ready to get honest with yourself to do better FOR YOURSELF.
So the question here remains, ‘Are you ready to get honest with yourself today?’
